The coronavirus has exposed one of my big insecurities, and I'm left to deal with it
It's a beautiful Saturday morning. I'm inside, and most likely will stay inside for the rest of this day because of coronavirus.
I've felt a little sick since I think like 2 days ago. I'm not sure it's coronavirus, but I'm also not not sure it is. Symptoms actually seem to match, I've just been feeling woozy, maybe a little fever but nothing major, and I've coughed like 10 times over the course of 3 days. So maybe it matches a little bit.
Either way, I had to miss a lot of gym time because of it. I was supposed to go do leg day yesterday, and cardio today. Yesterday I really didn't feel like I could do a workout, especially something as taxing as my Friday deadlift/ beltless squat day. So I didn't go and I slept all day, hoping I would feel better by today so that I could just do deadlifts today. But I woke up, and I felt better, but something was off. I decided to stay home and just do home leg exercises instead, which was actually a lot more effective than I thought it would be. But it was really hard to not go to the gym today, especially since I felt fine enough to go do the workout. I only refrained from going out of respect for the elderly and those who weren't sick yet. Did my not going to the gym have a huge effect on the number of people who got sick? I sure hope it really did, because I really wanted to go to the gym.
But I wanted to talk about this insecurity I have over not working out, or having to skip workout days, not being able to workout the way I want to. I have this voice in my head telling me, if I miss even one workout, I'll get weak as hell, and I'll have to work back up to where I am right now. And that may be in more than a week. You'll suffer greatly for having missed a workout. That's what I hear.
It especially sucks since I'm at the point where I won't be seeing great consistent gains all the time. At least I don't think I will, maybe I can surprise myself. But the point is, I probably will see a lot of uncertainty in the future. My job, my working hours, my other commitments, the gym closing, disease spreading, natural disasters. Sometimes I can't take it, like, why can't gains come more easily? Why do I always feel like one small slip-up will lead to a disastrous downfall?
It's also because I get so much information about people who are stronger than me. I watch YouTube and I see Zack Telander and Clarence Kennedy, Juji and Tom, they're all deadlifting more than my max for reps. I looked at Twitter to see if my gym chain was looking to close operations temporarily anytime soon, but all I saw were people posting their lifts, they're all stronger than me. I stopped watching all these videos since I knew I'd be triggered. I guess that's a good step.
I know that I get triggered by inferiority pretty easily, and that videos online are the easiest way I trigger myself. I also know that I really only have to compare myself to myself. I can't really compare to anyone else. I gotta look at myself from 2 months ago, go from there. I've learned a lot, I've been through a lot. I've had fun. I've learned patience. I've learned critical thinking.
And when I look at it that way, I'm growing even in this situation where I feel like I'm getting weaker. I was big enough to say, I'll stay home and not risk getting other people sick. I feel like that's a big jump from just a few months ago. I want to keep reminding myself that I'll compare myself to my past self. And just keep doing what I'm doing.
I've felt a little sick since I think like 2 days ago. I'm not sure it's coronavirus, but I'm also not not sure it is. Symptoms actually seem to match, I've just been feeling woozy, maybe a little fever but nothing major, and I've coughed like 10 times over the course of 3 days. So maybe it matches a little bit.
Either way, I had to miss a lot of gym time because of it. I was supposed to go do leg day yesterday, and cardio today. Yesterday I really didn't feel like I could do a workout, especially something as taxing as my Friday deadlift/ beltless squat day. So I didn't go and I slept all day, hoping I would feel better by today so that I could just do deadlifts today. But I woke up, and I felt better, but something was off. I decided to stay home and just do home leg exercises instead, which was actually a lot more effective than I thought it would be. But it was really hard to not go to the gym today, especially since I felt fine enough to go do the workout. I only refrained from going out of respect for the elderly and those who weren't sick yet. Did my not going to the gym have a huge effect on the number of people who got sick? I sure hope it really did, because I really wanted to go to the gym.
But I wanted to talk about this insecurity I have over not working out, or having to skip workout days, not being able to workout the way I want to. I have this voice in my head telling me, if I miss even one workout, I'll get weak as hell, and I'll have to work back up to where I am right now. And that may be in more than a week. You'll suffer greatly for having missed a workout. That's what I hear.
It especially sucks since I'm at the point where I won't be seeing great consistent gains all the time. At least I don't think I will, maybe I can surprise myself. But the point is, I probably will see a lot of uncertainty in the future. My job, my working hours, my other commitments, the gym closing, disease spreading, natural disasters. Sometimes I can't take it, like, why can't gains come more easily? Why do I always feel like one small slip-up will lead to a disastrous downfall?
It's also because I get so much information about people who are stronger than me. I watch YouTube and I see Zack Telander and Clarence Kennedy, Juji and Tom, they're all deadlifting more than my max for reps. I looked at Twitter to see if my gym chain was looking to close operations temporarily anytime soon, but all I saw were people posting their lifts, they're all stronger than me. I stopped watching all these videos since I knew I'd be triggered. I guess that's a good step.
I know that I get triggered by inferiority pretty easily, and that videos online are the easiest way I trigger myself. I also know that I really only have to compare myself to myself. I can't really compare to anyone else. I gotta look at myself from 2 months ago, go from there. I've learned a lot, I've been through a lot. I've had fun. I've learned patience. I've learned critical thinking.
And when I look at it that way, I'm growing even in this situation where I feel like I'm getting weaker. I was big enough to say, I'll stay home and not risk getting other people sick. I feel like that's a big jump from just a few months ago. I want to keep reminding myself that I'll compare myself to my past self. And just keep doing what I'm doing.
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